Stuff White Trash People Do - With Kids and TVs

We're starting a new regular feature here at SWTPL called "Stuff White Trash People Do," offering day-to-day coverage of actual living, breathing White Trash People in the news.

First up is this one:

Stuff White Trash People Do: They put the kid in the trunk to make room in the car for their giant screen TV

#7 - Settlement Checks

White people litigate. White trash people settle out of court.

At least once in each white trash person's life, his or her ship comes in. Be it a slip and fall at Wal-Mart or a food poisoning claim from Krystal, every white trash person in America will receive at least one large cash legal settlement. This payment is known in white trash circles as a "settlement check."

White trash people are almost always, "waitin' on a settlement check." Specifically, in any given commercial situation, white trash people offer to the seller as a sort of collateral or credit rating enhancement, the information that, though Mr. White Trash's funds are temporarily depleted, a settlement check is imminent and all roadblocks to purchase will be cleared.

Once the settlement check arrives it is quickly spent, often on a pit bull, a cell phone minute recharge, and additional rent to own furniture.

#6 - Rent to Own

Unless you are conversant with the white trash world, you might never imagine that one could (or might want to) pay to rent a three year old couch with suspicious stains on the center cushion or a wagon wheel coffee table with a loose third leg.

Yet it's true. White trash people rent literally everything in their apartment. They rent their big screen TV ($15 per week). They rent their bedroom suit ($25 per week). They even rent their dishwasher, washer and dryer (priceless).

Before taking a new home, a white trash couple will first visit a rent to own estabilshment, where the couple will "go shopping" in the old school "Wheel of Fortune" sense. Once the items are delivered, the payments begin.

White trash rent to own payments are weekly rather than monthly. This is by design so as to take advantage of the limitations of white trash math associated with the conversion of weeks to months. For this and other reasons, in the history of the rent to own industry, only three items (a lamp and two end tables) have ever come to be owned by the renter, and none of these lucky owners were white trash.

For all of its downsides, rent to own has one great advantage for the white trash consumer. When it is time to move on or when the Sheriff comes knocking post eviction, the white trash person need only walk out the door with his pit bull and his X-Box. Everything else in the apartment can be left behind, including, quite frequently, the fiance.

#5 - Disability

At $638 per month, the disability check is a white trash man's best friend. In fact, the pursuit of a disability classification is one of the few areas where white trash men demonstrate initiative, follow-through and a true desire for success - even in the face of genuine obstacles, such as not actually being disabled in any way.

A white trash "disability" typically involves a back or neck injury that will never allow the white trash man to work again. Once so disabled, a white trash man will often use his disability check to purchase a big screen tv and monthly satellite service to provide comfort during the period of his convalescence. However, because $638 per month is not quite enough to provide for all of a white trash man's needs, he often must seek a fiance (see post #1 - "Fiances") to round out his budget. Similarly, a white trash woman's dream is to become engaged to a white trash man drawing disability, while herself collecting both child support from another man and unemployment. This is often referred to as the white trash "triple crown."